I Make Complicated Interesting[ly Boring]

Even if I don’t want to

All I have to do is breathe
Push the tears and keep going
Ignore the voice that’s invaded my mind
Running away but it’s right behind

I’ve trained many a time to hear this voice
Then I learned to take the other choice
Pretend it’s nonexistent, away, I’m safe
But it’s power, the voice is louder than I can take

Stay strong, I keep saying to my heart
Fight the voice, I think in my head
It’ll be over soon, I pray to myself
Though I know my destiny is set.

I found the letters I wrote myself a while back….

Kind of self destructive…..

Oh hey

I’m going to watch it and yes. I will fall asleep watching it.

Please don’t follow me in my dreams. Just let me be, I think I’m going to face enough of it in the real world tomorrow. 

Good thing my cousin is here, I’m going to show her around Orland and forget about my troubles tomorrow, thursday, and friday. 

:) put on the face!

101 Dalmatians, go!

My teeth literally slant….I know it isn’t that noticeable, but I am getting very self-conscious about it….

Fuck

Ugly

I don’t want to need you. I told you, I just want to want you here. I refuse to need you because I will become dependent on you and I will be regarded as weak (I know, I know, stupid, but I am not weak. I am strong. Even though I am getting tired of being so strong.). More importantly, I want you here because you want to be, not because you need to be. 

I want to love you, care for you, tell you everything with all my heart and soul. 

But, it is different with you. With you, its like how you can’t make sex jokes around your significant other (or us with each other), but you definitely can with your friends. I want you to be my best friend so badly, and I want to tell you everything. I am so close. 

Something is stopping me. 

Maybe someday I will be there. Maybe someday I will tell you everything and let me let you become my best friend. Because honestly, you are turning into it…I panicked when you kept poking. I panicked when you wouldn’t let me go. I panicked when you said, “I won’t ever leave you”.

I don’t want to need you, I want to just want you so then I know that you would be here only because you want to, not because you have to. I don’t want to be a burden, because what I could push for you (more than anyone else) could just possibly break you. I want you to want to be here because you want to, not just because you think you need to be here.

I sat on the floor of my bathroom very close to a panic attack for 10 minutes because of that. I only have a few minutes to recompose myself to show there’s nothing wrong.

How the hell am I going to do that…..he’s going to see…..I’m so screwed. I don’t know what to say, what to do? I always have an idea where to go and now I’m lost. We’re the he’ll do I go from here?

Gah, I need a walk in the park and think bout all this and find where I’m at right now. Because I lost track.

Yikes, I’m supposed to be different and better from grade school. You know, grade school…eeew, then high school…boom! Awkward, shorter hair, little larger, little different, maybe smarter, and still just as scared.

We’ll see how this goes, aren’t I suppose to be better by now?

Possession and control is what we seek,

but we forget, those’r saved for the meek.

Trying for others, to mold and hold

disregarding their bothers, turning their worlds cold.

Putting our problems on a shelf,

ignoring the me, the uncontrollable self.

Searching for control that we cannot gain,

because of the fear of going insane.

Ignoring whats before our eyes,

and disregarding other’s tries

of showing what we must first face,

before we start this endless chase. 

If possession and control is what we seek,

remember that those’r saved for the meek.